Final Fantasy: The Comedy Series Collection
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Final Fantasy comedy at its finest! This is a re-release of a few stand-alone comedy-themed Final Fantasy stories we have written over the years. Each story has been re-edited and re-formatted. Whether you have seen the originals or missed them completely, these will be worth the nostalgic read again! Rated T for language and violence.
1. Introduction

**Story** : Final Fantasy: The Comedy Series Collection  
 **Authors** : Master Jin Sonata, Time Master, Flare Zero  
 **Written** : May 4th, 2015  
 **Genre** : Humor/Parody  
 **Rating** : T (Language, Violence)  
 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Square-Enix or its crazy cast.

* * *

 **This is a collection of the miscellaneous Final Fantasy comedy-themed fics we have uploaded over the years on this site! We will be removing the original versions, so this definitive update is where you will now find them! In this collection you will find** :

 **Final Fantasy VII: Palmer and his Coffee Crises Trilogy**  
Originally Published On July 7th, 2007

 **Final Fantasy VII: Ichi Ni San Shi**  
Originally Published On June 28th, 2009

 **Final Fantasy VII: Shinra Mess**  
Originally Published On June 30th, 2009

 **Final Fantasy VIII: Proper Education  
** Originally Published On July 7th, 2007

 **Final Fantasy VIII: The Heroes Watch Dora The Explorer…Sorta  
** Originally Published On November 17th, 2007

* * *

 **Please proceed to the start of the series:** **FFVII: Palmer and his Coffee Crises Trilogy** **!**


	2. Final Fantasy VII: Palmer's Crisis

**Final Fantasy VII: Palmer and his Coffee Crises Trilogy**

* * *

 **Palmer and his Coffee Crises, OH NO!**

It was a bustling day out in the streets of Midgar. Everyone was caught in the morning rush to get to work.

One person in particular decided to stop by a local coffee stand and grab him a hot cup of coffee before going to work.

That one person was Shinra's Space Program head: Palmer.

" **One Triple Bypass Caramel Latte with extra sugar and lard,"** Palmer says to Aeris, owner of the coffee stand.

" **Coming right up!"** Aeris says with a shudder of disgust, preparing his drink. When it was finished, Palmer pays for it with the last bit of change he had on him, and took his cup of coffee.

As he turned around, he suddenly trips and falls over Cait Sith, who was walking in front of Palmer's path. This caused Palmer to spill his cup of coffee all over the ground.

" **Hey! Watch where you're going!"** Cait Sith says, getting off the ground and shaking his paw at Palmer.

Palmer slowly tuned his head toward Cait Sith, fire and rage burning in his eyes. Cait Sith gulps when he saw Palmer's angry look on his face.

" **M-MY…C-C-COFFEE…N-NOW…G-GONE!"** Palmer sputters in disbelief like an old outdated engine.

" **Hey, chill out, mister, I'm sure I can replace your cup of…"** Cait Sith tries to say to Palmer, but was grabbed around the neck and nearly strangled to death.

After Palmer was done with him, he tosses away Cait Sith and storms down the street in complete rage for getting his coffee spilled.

Palmer approaches an intersection, and kept on stomping across the street, not paying attention to the crosswalk sign flashing: DON'T WALK.

This caused Barret, who was in his car, to slam on his breaks when Palmer crossed haphazardly in front of him at the crosswalk.

" **HEY! GET YOUR FATASS OUT OF THE ROAD!"** Barret yells out to Palmer.

Palmer turned to Barret's car and slammed his fist onto the hood hard enough to flip the entire car over on its side with a loud crash.

Barret was hanging out out of the now-wrecked car in a daze as Palmer left the scene to go relinquish his anger on someone else.

Palmer continues down the sidewalk in a huff. From behind, Yuffie was riding her bicycle delivering newspapers.

" **Lookout, mister!"** Yuffie yells to Palmer, who was in her way of her paper rout.

Palmer responded by holding his chubby arms out, clothes-lining Yuffie, sending her flying off of her bike and landing in a nearby dumpster.

Palmer's tirade was not over yet.

Palmer continues down the city streets, face beet-red from frustration, when he runs into Cid Highwind.

" **Hey, watch it you goddamn blimp!"** Cid says to Palmer as he took out a pack of cigarettes.

It wasn't long until Palmer shoved the box of cigarette down Cid's throat and left the area.

Palmer's rage continues for much of the morning, and it wasn't long before Palmer encountered Vincent, who was sitting at an outdoor café, reading a book. Vincent looked up and Palmer, who loomed over him with an exasperated look on his face.

" **What?"** Vincent says to Palmer.

Seconds later, Palmer left the café after taking Vincent's cape and tying it around his head in a tight knot.

" **What did I ever do to you?!"** Vincent yells to Palmer in a muffled voice.

Before he knew it, Palmer was back near the coffee stand where he started.

Aeris, who witnessed all of the events throughout the morning, offered Palmer another cup of coffee, free of charge.

After hearing this, Palmer finally calmed down as he took his replacement cup of coffee and smiles at Aeris.

" **Thank you, miss! Man, I can be pretty mean if I don't have my caffeine, eh?"** Palmer says, as he began to skip off toward his office, when he bumped into a couple as he turned a corner. Again, Palmer's cup of coffee flew out of his hands and landed on the ground, spilled all over.

Palmer looks up at the couple he ran into.

It was Cloud and Tifa.

You can imagine what happens at this point…

* * *

 **Palmer Wants Coffee, NOW!**

* * *

It was a typical day at Shinra Headquarters.

Palmer walks into the Break-Room and pours himself a hot cup of coffee.

" **Now to add lotsa lard,"** he says, grabbing a huge can of large and dumping five pounds of it in his hot drink. **"And then some sugar!"** he continues, turning around to grab said object. When he faced back to where his coffee was supposed to be, it was gone.

" **No…my coffee…need…coffee…"** Palmer sputters, eyes twitching, and he stiffly strode out to interrogate everyone who might have stolen his coffee.

 **Scarlet's Office**

Palmer slams open the door to Scarlet's office and stomps inside. Scarlet was busy working away on the computer when she looks up and sees his frustrated expression

" **What do you want, fatass?"** Scarlet asks him.

" **Where's my coffee, bitch?"** Palmer asks her angrily, fuming like a teakettle.

" **I don't know! I didn't think you drank anything else but tea with lard. What's the matter, your dimply-ass can't take any more herbal—"**

Before Scarlet could finish that sentence, Palmer bitch-slaps her, sending her crashing into her computer monitor, which then caught on fire. Palmer then leaves for the next area without looking back.

 **Heidegger's Office**

Palmer barges into Heidegger's office and stops at his desk, where a woozy-looking Heidegger was busy drinking Vodka. He turns and looks at Palmer and starts talking in Russian slurs as he tries to tell him to get out.

Quickly realizing that it would be a waste of time trying to talk to him, Palmer leaves the officer after he had shoved Heidegger's fat hairy face into his narrow bottle of Vodka.

 **The Hallway**

Down in the hallway, all of the Turks were gathered for a brief meeting. Palmer strode toward them, red as a beet and stopped amidst of their conversation.

" **Um…yes?"** Tseng questions as the fat executive interrupts their meeting.

" **Where's my coffee, 'Jerks'?"** Palmer questions as he pulled everyone by his or her neckties toward him simultaneously.

" **What are you talking about? None of us drinks any coffee you incompetent loser!"** Reno protests.

" **Yeah! How dare you accuse us of stealing your stupid drink!"** Elena adds.

Rude just gave Palmer an intimidating glare through his sunglasses.

Moments later, Palmer left the area after again gaining no new information on the whereabouts of his cup of coffee. Tseng was left stuck upside down inside a potted plant, while Elena's head was slammed into a nearby copy-machine. Reno had his electric rod shoved down his throat, while rude shoved headfirst into a file-cabinet, his legs flailing at the ends.

 **Rufus's Office**

Palmer made one last stop: his boss's office. He kicks down the door and approaches Rufus, who was ready for Palmer, as he already had his shotgun out and pointed at the overweight executive.

" **Before you even say a single word, I do not have your damn coffee, so go away before I have to deflate your sorry excuse of a body with my bullets!"** Rufus warns Palmer, but Palmer didn't listen.

Palmer left the office after he had taken Rufus's shotgun and wrapped it around his neck like a noose.

 **The Break Room**

Palmer, on the verge of going postal on the rest of the corporation, heads back to the break room. Once there, he stopped and glared at man who was holding his cup of coffee he had poured earlier.

It was Reeve.

" **Ah! Delicious caffeine refreshment! I wonder who left it here behind the napkin dispenser? Oh well, mine now,"** Reeve says, about to take a sip of his coffee.

Reeve was completely oblivious of Palmer's presence, as he was immediately jumped and got the crap beaten out of him. Afterwards, Palmer takes his coffee and drinks it to his satisfaction.

" **Ah! Now that's good stuff, and with sugar even! Oh well, guess I can do without the lard anyway, gotta keep up my perfect physique! Time to get to work! Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la,"** Palmer sang as he skips merrily out of the room.

* * *

 **Palmer is on a Coffee Rampage, YIKES!**

* * *

Palmer woke up bright and early in his humble little studio apartment at the base of the Shinra Corporation. He stretches and yawns as he wobbles out of bed and makes his way downstairs toward the kitchen to grab a cup of hot coffee to start the day with. He opens his cupboards and makes a grab for a tin of coffee grounds…

…only to find it empty.

Palmer's face turned from pleasant to a cross between completely dumbfounded and horrified.

" **No…more….COFFEE?"** he sputters as an oncoming rage began to build within the fat-man's body once again. **"MUST…GET…COFFEE!"**

Seconds later, Palmer's outline was smashed through his dining room wall as he ran down the streets like a madman in search for coffee.

 **7** **th** **Heaven Bar**

Down at the 7th Heaven bar, Cloud and Barret were having a drink while Tifa served them. Within moments, Palmer abruptly charges into the bar, looking like a rabid mutt.

" **Palmer? What in the world are you doing in a place like this?"** Tifa questions the Shinra executive from behind the counter.

" **Yeah, the hell is wrong with you, fool? Look like you didn't have your morning cup of joe or something,"** Barret taunts as he takes a swig of some coffee Tifa brewed for him and Cloud.

" **COFFEE…NEED…COFFEE!"** Palmer blurts out in anticipation when he heard they were having coffee.

 **"Sorry fatty, we're drinking the last of what Tifa's got for the day. Hahahaha!"** Barret says with a hearty laugh at Palmer's face as he finished the last of his drink, down to the last drop.

 **SLAAAAMMMM!**

Before Barret could even realize it, he was hit by a flying pool table, causing him to fly out of his bar stool and slam against the adjacent wall.

Tifa gasps at Palmer's unusual display of physical prowess and quickly looks to Cloud to do something about this.

" **Looks like I'll be getting my exercise today,"** Cloud says as he stood from his seat and went to grab his buster sword…

…only to find it missing.

" **What?"** Cloud said as he looked to see his weapon gone from its spot.

He looks back at Palmer, who now held his buster sword.

" **GIMMIE…YOUR…COFFEE…NOW!"** Palmer says furiously as he held the sword in a dangerous manner.

" **I…finished my coffee as well…"** Cloud responds, walking cautiously toward him to try and get his weapon back.

 **SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!**

Cloud's attempt to tame the wild beast fails as Palmer performed the famous Omni-Slash technique on Cloud, the final slash sending our spiky-haired hero tumbling across the bar counter, knocking over every wine glass placed there, followed by a loud thud of Cloud landing on the floor where Tifa was.

Tifa looks up at Palmer and gulps. She had to think fast or she would be next. She looks all throughout her supply cupboard…

…and to her surprise, finds a bag of coffee beans hiding behind some stuff.

" **Here you go, Palmer, a fresh cup of coffee that will get you through the day,"** she says with a slightly nervous smile as she quickly brews some for him.

Palmer immediately drops the buster sword and hobbles up to the counter, grabbing the mug and downing it in seconds. He licks his lips, and then lets out a huge burp.

" **Aaaaahhhh…that hit the spot,"** he says, setting down the mug and trotting away happily toward the exit like a little schoolgirl.

Tifa looks at her now wrecked bar and sighs. Both Cloud and Barret were out cold, and she was left to clean everything up after that bizarre event.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next story:** **Final Fantasy VII: Ichi Ni San Shi** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	3. Final Fantasy VII: Ichi Ni San Shi

**Final Fantasy VII: Ichi Ni San Shi**

* * *

The morning sun rose over the world of Gaia. A new day was about to begin over the seemingly peaceful planet.

"… **LOOK OUT!"**

That silence ended abruptly as Cid's airship: the Highwind, roars uncontrollably across the sky, zigzagging left and right, up and down as if someone drunk was piloting the massive aircraft.

In fact…someone was.

Cait Sith was at the wheel of the ship, the drunken cat clutching it tightly as it span around in multiple directions. Cid stood in front of the wheel, trying to catch the mischievous cat and yank him away from it before they crashed into something.

" **Godammit! Who let this damn cat get a hold of my beer?! And how the hell can this thing get intoxicated anyways?!"** Cid yells to Cloud, Barret, and Yuffie behind him who stood there and watched in amusement.

The Highwind continued its zany trek across the airspace all throughout the morning.

Eventually, the Highwind had collided into the side of Cosmo Canyon due to Cait Sith's drunken antics while flying the ship earlier. Cloud, Barret, Yuffie, and Cid all stare at the smoldering wreckage that was once Cid's most treasured possession.

" **Um..heheheh…sorry?"** Cait Sith says to Cid with a cheesy smile.

Cid's friends had to immediately stop him from strangling Cait Sith after that remark.

" **Now what the % &#$ do we do?! My beautiful airship is beyond repair!"** Cid says in frustration, on the verge of tears.

" **We could always ask around the people of Cosmo Canyon, maybe they have a method of transportation we could use to get back home,"** Yuffie suggests.

" **Goddamn, hate to say it but she's right, I ain't stayin' out here in the middle of nowhere,"** Barret responds. **"What say you, Cloud?"**

Cloud merely shrugs his shoulders as if to agree with him.

" **It's settled, let's go,"** Cid says, hesitantly turning to leave his wrecked airship behind.

Inside Cosmo Canyon, Cid and his party were meeting with a vehicle rental agency. At the front counter, Cid waits around until a representative finally sees them.

" **How can I help you sir?"** the man says to Cid.

" **I need to rent a van for me and my gang over here,"** Cid says to the man, puffing on a cigarette as he spoke.

" **Uh, sir…first off all, no smoking in my office…"** the rep says, taking Cid's cigarette and plucking it out the window behind him.

" **WHY THE $%# DID YOU DO THAT?!"** Cid yells angrily at him.

" **Company policy sir. Second, our vehicles will cost you around 80,000 gil a day,"** the rep continues.

" **HOLY MOTHER-$#^%! WHY THE HELL SO EXPENSIVE?!"** Cid shouts in disbelief.

" **Well, nobody drives anymore these days. Airships are the hottest thing. What, you don't have one?"** the rep asks Cid smugly.

Cid was turning beet red ready to punch out the man out of anger, but his party members jumped in to restrain him.

" **Um…you must excuse our friend here…he's got…anger issues…"** Cait Sith says, hopping up onto the counter. **"We'll uh…take whatever you got!"**

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next story:** **Final Fantasy VII: Shinra Mess** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	4. Final Fantasy VII: Shinra Mess

**Final Fantasy VII: Shinra Mess  
** **Written by Guest Author** : Zozzilla

* * *

The silence was broken over the city of Midgar as a loud whirring; spluttering, creaking noise filled the air. A growing shadow on the ground pre-empted the black Shinra chopper hitting the ground, sending up a cloud of dust and dirt.

The propellers ground to a halt, choking out a thick black smoke as they cease to rotate. Slowly, the door creaked open and fell off its hinges, closely followed by two figures sliding out of the cockpit to the floor.

 **"WHAT?! Oh man, this is a nightmare!"** Reno cried out, slumping to his knees and raising his hands to tug at his red hair. **"Rufus is gonna kill us!"**

Rude brushed the dust from his suit and glanced down at Reno over the top of his shades, which had slid down his nose. **"No...he's going to kill YOU."** He shook his head and reached down, dragging Reno to his feet. **"Come on. Let's get back."**

 **"Okay, okay..."** Reno mumbled, sighing heavily. He gave one last glance at the mangled helicopter and set off along the dusty trail back to headquarters.

 **"You did WHAT to our only mode of transport?!"**

The sound of something hard and heavy hit the door, proving that Rufus was indeed as angry as Reno had feared. Inside, he was standing glaring at the two Turks while they looked nervously down at the floor.

Reno swallowed hard and opened his mouth, pausing slightly before starting speaking. **"I...didn't know it was out of fuel...it just sorta happened..."**

The look on Rufus's face could have curdled milk. **"You absolute IDIOT! That's it, I can't take it any more...what do I even pay you for?"**

 **"You...uh...don't, Sir,"** Rude said with a slight cough, then instantly regretted it.

Rufus clenched his fists. **"YOU'RE BOTH FIRED! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"** he yelled, picking up a chair and flinging it at the two. With a yelp they dived for the door, yanked it open and ran off down the steps, only stopping when they were far enough away from any other pieces of office furniture turned projectile.

 **"Sheesh...that wasn't good,"** Reno sighed, rubbing his arm. **"Now we're on our own out here."**

Rude was holding his shades in his hand, a tear in the corner of his eye as he looked at the large crack down the left lens. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he pulled out another identical pair of shades and put them on. **"We could always go freelance,"** he suggested, throwing the broken shades into a nearby bush.

Reno frowned slightly, then a grin appeared on his face. **"That's a great idea, big guy! But...just the two of us? Nah...we need someone else. Someone who knows the ropes. Someone who's been in this line of work before."** He stood there stroking his chin for a few minutes until an idea popped into his head. **"I know! That Vincent guy...he was in the Turks, right? He can join us!"**

 **"Doesn't he work for Cloud?"** Rude replied, scratching his head.

 **"Oh yeah...then we'll just have to steal him from Cloud! C'mon!"** Reno said happily before jogging off towards where Vincent was bound to be at this time - Tifa's bar, Seventh Heaven.

Vincent stepped out into the sunlight, raising his hand to shield his eyes from the brightness. Across the street, two faces peeked out from behind a parked car.

 **"Look! There he is!"** Reno whispered to Rude excitedly. The pair had been waiting there for around twenty minutes already, and were attracting strange looks from passers-by.

He was about to step forward when a shadow fell over the pair, and a woman's voice said **"Hey, you! What are you doing near my car?"**

Looking round, Reno and Rude were faced with an angry-looking woman carrying  
a heavy bag of shopping. **"Your car?"** Rude said, glancing at Reno.

 **"Oh! We were, uh...we were going to..."** Reno continued, trying to think of what to say.

The woman scowled. **"I know just what you were going to do, you thieves! You were planning on stealing it!"**

 **"What? No we weren't, we were - OW!"** Reno's confession was stopped short as the woman swung the shopping bag she was carrying and hit him round the head with it. **"GEEZ LADY! We're not th~AAAAARGH!"**

The constant barrage of blows from the bag forced Reno to get up and run as fast as he could, Rude having no choice but to follow him as the woman ran after them, shouting expletives. Vincent heard the noise and turned to watch the two legging it down the street, shaking his head as they disappeared. **"What are those two up to..."** he muttered to himself before setting off down the street toward the market.

The pair had taken refuge in the sewers to escape the might of the angry woman, and couldn't believe their luck when upon looking out from under the manhole cover they spotted Vincent across the street from them, looking in the window of the Materia shop.

 **"Now's our chance!"** Reno said, not noticing that Rude had focused his attention on the small lizard-like creature that was shuffling up behind them holding a lamp and knife.

 **"Uh...I think we have a problem,"** he said, tugging on Reno's sleeve to make him look round.

Reno stared down at the lizard and laughed. **"What, from that little thing? Don't be stupid, it's so adorable! C'mere little guy..."** he said, climbing down the ladder to get closer to the creature.

As the creature waddled closer, it held up the knife and...

 _ **DOINK!**_

There was a bright flash and the manhole cover flew off of the sewer entrance, causing everybody in the street to freeze instantly. Vincent turned round as the cover descended from the sky and landed on the hood of a car, completely crushing it. He took a deep breath and walked over to the entrance, knelt down and peered inside.

Rude and Reno lay there completely unconscious as the Tonberry waddled off in the direction it came from. **"Huh...these two again,"** Vincent sighed. **"Why do they keep following me?"** He stood up and headed back towards Seventh Heaven.

 **"Okay - here's the deal,"** Reno said, rubbing his stomach as Rude frantically searched his pockets for an unbroken pair of shades. **"We're just gonna run up there, grab him, and go. What can go wrong with that?"**

 **"Probably something,"** Rude muttered aggregately, giving up on the search for new shades.

 **"Right. After three,"** Reno said. **"One...two...three...GO!"**

The pair ran across the street, and unfortunately, right into the path of an oncoming motorbike. Despite the riders' best efforts to brake as hard as he could, the bike crashed into the pair sending them sprawling to the floor.

The door of Seventh Heaven opened, and Vincent, Tifa and Cloud walked out. Vincent raised his eyebrow at Tifa and Cloud, after having told them what had been going on all day. He wandered over to the two who were now coughing and spluttering, and knelt down.

 **"Say...you two have been following me literally all day. What exactly is it that you wanted me for?"**

 **"F..."** Started Reno, sitting up slowly and wincing.

 **"F...**

 **...FORGET IT!"**

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next story:** **Final Fantasy VIII: Proper Education** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	5. Final Fantasy VIII: Proper Education

**Final Fantasy VIII: Proper Education**

* * *

 **Ultimecia Teaches**

It was a typical morning at Balamb Garden. Students were conversing with one another in the hallways, Seifer yelling at students to get to class on time, Zell hogging all of the food in the cafeteria…

All was routine except for one place this particular morning.

We now take a peek into Quistis's classroom.

The bell rang, signaling the start of first period. The students in class were patiently waiting for their teacher, Quistis Trepe, to walk in and start today's lesson.

After ten whole minutes, Quistis still had not arrived to class.

Something was up.

 **"Where's Miss Trepe? It's not like her to be late getting to class,"** says a random student.

 **"You're right. Do you think she's sick?"** another student asks.

After the students conversed among themselves on the whereabouts of their teacher, the classroom door flew open. The students stopped abruptly and stare at the woman who entered into class. Behind her was Headmaster Cid.

 **"Attention, students. Your regular teacher, Quistis Trepe, is out on official SEED business. So, for today, this lovely lady next to me will be teaching you. Please give a warm welcome to Sorceress Ultimecia."**

The class clapped slowly with uncertainty as they stared at the creepy looking woman in a red robe and sporting black wings. As Cid left, Ultimecia took to her desk and sat as she prepared to take roll.

 **"Okay klass, time for roll kall,"** Ultimecia says, grabbing a nearby clipboard.

As Ultimecia took roll, the students whispered among themselves.

 **"What is with this teacher's voice?"** one student says.

 **"She talks weird…"** another comments.

After taking roll, Ultimecia began today's lesson.

 **"Alright klass, log onto your komputers and open up the English Applikation. I am going to skhool you on konstruktive sentences,"** Ultimecia says.

 **"Is this woman serious?"** another classmate says to another.

 **"Quiet down back there! I will not tolerate talking in my klass!"** Ultimecia responds sharply. **"Now begin working on the lesson called 'Kurriculum Klassics."**

As Ultemicia continued talking, some of the classmates began snickering at the way she talked.

 **"Man, her English sucks!"** says one of the students in the back.

 **"Geez, where did she learn to speak like that? She sounds so stupid,"** says another.

 **"I heard that you little deviant! I will not tolerate any more krap from any of you!"** Ultimecia warns the class.

As soon as she says 'Krap', the entire class fell out of their seats laughing.

 **"Oh that does it, I kan't teach a klass that kan't handle proper education,"** Ultimecia says in a huff, marching out of the class.

As she left the class, she walked passed Headmaster Cid.

 **"Miss Ultimecia? What seems to be the problem?"** Cid asks.

 **"That klass is not worth my time! I kant teach under these konditions!"** Ultimecia says, before leaving the building.

 **"Damn, looks like I'll have to call in another sub,"** Headmaster Cid says, sighing.

 **Raijin Teaches**

After Ultimecia had walked out from teaching first period, Headmaster Cid managed to call in another substitute to take over the class during second period.

As the bell for second period rang, Headmaster Cid walks into class once more.

 **"Students, I would like to introduce you to your new substitute teacher: Raijin!"** Cid says, as Raijin enters the room and flops down onto the chair behind the teacher's desk. He rests his feet on top of the desk and waves to Headmaster Cid to tell him that he's got things covered here.

 **"Yo, I'm Raijin, ya know? I'm going to be teaching you some stuff that your regular teacher probably doesn't cover, ya know?"** Raijin spoke to the class.

 **"Who is this guy?"** a student whispers to another.

 **"I think he's with Seifer's gang,"** another student responds.

 **"Why does he keep saying 'ya know' after every sentence?"** a student from the back asks.

 **"I know you guys are talking about me behind my back, ya know. I have good hearing ya know,"** Raijin responds.

 **"I betcha you don't know squat about teaching, ya know,"** a student from the front teases Raijin.

 **"Oh, so now you want to get smart with me, I won't let you, ya know?"** Raijin shot back.

 **"I know that you don't know how to speak properly, ya know?"** the same student continues.

 **"I don't know what you are talking about, ya know?"** Raijin says to the student.

 **"I know darn well that we know that you know that you suck as a proper speaker, and as a teacher, not like Miss Quistis, who's awesome, ya know?"** the student goes on.

The conversation kept going on for most of the period, with the students' talking-back to Raijin the same way he spoke to them, exaggerating his words more as time went on. It got to the place where Raijin was on the verge of blowing up from an overload of 'ya knows' he's been hearing all morning.

 **"I still don't know that you know about what I know that the class knows about what I know about teaching and knowing what-Aw screw it, I don't know anymore!"** Raijin finally says, giving up.

 **"KNOW-NOTHING!"** says a voice from behind him.

Raijin spun around and began shouting at the one who called him a 'know nothing'.

 **"Look ya little booger-nosed kid, just wait till I get my staff and shove it up your—-AHHHH!"** Raijin says angrily, before realizing it was Fujin he was shouting at.

 **"Fujin! I…uh…when did you come in…I didn't mean what I says, ya know?"** Raijin says with a cheesy smile.

 **"MORON!"** Fujin shouted to Raijin, kicking him in the shin before dragging him out of the class.

Headmaster Cid witnesses the forced-leave of Raijin, and shakes his head.

 **"That's two in the same day…maybe I shouldn't hire such cheap instructors…"** Headmaster Cid groans.

 **Norg Teaches**

With two substitute teachers out of the way, Cid was getting desperate. For the third period class, Cid somehow managed to drag in the largest of the teacher's yet: NORG.

The entire class stared in either awe or in shock as Cid introduced the giant Shumi to the class.

 **"Class, I would lke to introduce to you the owner of Balamb Garden: NORG! Now behave yourself and don't give NORG any trouble, you hear?"** Cid says before exiting the class.

The entire class just sat there with a blank look at the over-sized squid-like creature that was supposed to be their substitute teacher. After a brief moment of silence, NORG spoke.

 **"Bujurururu! WHAT-ARE-YOU-STUDENTS-STARING-AT? HAVE-YOU-GOT-NO-MANNERS? OH-NEVER-MIND. LET'S-GET-THIS-IDIOTIC-LESSON-OUT-OF-THE-WAY!"** NORG says, reaching for his over-sized clipboard made especially for him.

 **"What…the…hell…is…that…?!"** one of the students whispered in fear, pointing at NORG.

 **"He's the owner of the Garden? How can Headmaster Cid hire such a slimy over-sized slob?"** says another student.

 **"Something tells me he wasn't hired, but came here on his own terms…"** another student hypothesized.

 **"SILENCE! Bujurururu! NOW, LET'S-GET-ON-WITH-TODAY'S LESSON,"** NORG says, looking at the clipboard. **"WHAT'S-THIS-CRAP? 'BASICS-OF-ECONOMICS'? IS-THIS-WHAT-YOUR-PATHETIC-TEACHER-IS-TEACHING-YOU? I'LL-TEACH-YOU-LIFE-SKILLS-MYSELF!"** NORG says, tossing away the clipboard.

He hovered across toward the blackboard in his mobile transportation device and grabbed a piece of chalk.

 **"TODAY'S-LESSON-IS-'HOW-TO-RULE-GARDEN-FACILITIES-USING-MONEY-AND-SELLING-OUT-YOUR-EMPLOYEES!"** NORG says, writing on the chalkboard as he spoke.

 **"I don't like this guy,"** says a female student near the middle row.

 **"I want Miss Trepe back,"** whimpers another student.

"SILENCE! I-WILL-NOT-TOLERATE-ANYMORE-CHATTER!" NORG says, charging up a psycho ball and hurling it toward the students, narrowly missing them as it flew over their heads and crashed through the back window.

At that same moment, Seifer bursts into class.

 **"What the hell was that?! Is someone in need of some discipline?"** he says, before turning to look at NORG. **"HOLY SHIT, NEVER MIND WHAT THAT SOUND WAS, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!"** Seifer screamed like a schoolgirl, pointing at NORG before running out of the class.

NORG and the entire class stared blankly at the event before resuming the lesson.

Sadly for the class, they were stuck with listening to the ego-manic Shumi for the next hour.

 **Biggs and Wedge Teach**

It was the last period of the day, and that means Headmaster Cid has to find another substitute to fill in that time slot. Luckily for him, he found not one, but two teachers at the very last minute.

Headmaster Cid walks into the classroom, followed by two Galbadian soldiers dressed in full armor.

 **"Class. I would like to introduce your substitute teachers for today's final period: Mr. Biggs and Mr. Wedge,"** Headmaster says, before leaving the room.

The entire class's eyes shot wide open at the sight of two soldiers from their enemy forces teaching them today.

 **"Right then. Let's get started on today's lesson…"** Biggs says, walking over to the teacher's desk.

 **"Uh…sir, shouldn't we take roll first?"** Wedge asks.

 **"Are you questioning my teaching methods?"** Biggs shot back.

 **"N-no sir I was just suggesting that we…"** Wedge tried to explain.

 **"Shaddup! No pay for you this month!"** Biggs says.

 **"Should've stayed home today…"** Wedge sighs.

 **"What a couple of losers…"** one of the students whispered to another.

 **"Are these two examples of what teachers at Galbadia Garden are like?"** a girl asks.

 **"If they are, then victory will be ours in the future,"** replies another.

 **"Pay attention!"** Biggs says as he flopped down onto the teacher's desk. **"Today I'll teach you how to overwhelm your opponents in the event of a Garden War."**

 **"Uh…sir? Just curious, are you about to tell these students our secret plan to fire a missile on this very garden next month?"** Wedge asks.

The entire class gasped in horror after hearing this.

 **"You dumbass! I was referring to the basic battle techniques that all three Garden's follow by, you whelp!"** Biggs growls.

"Oops…" Wedge says, gulping.

 **"I'll oops you!"** Biggs says, hopping over the desk and perusing Wedge who tried to flee from the class.

The whole class sat at their desks with a 'WTF' look on their faces.

Moments later, their real teacher, Quistis Trepe, enters the class.

 **"Sorry about my absence, students. I was in the Training Facility trying to tame a rampaging T-Rex from eating Zell and Selphie. Now, shall we begin?"** Quistis says with a smile as she went to desk. **"Oh, by the way, did anything interesting happen while I was gone?"**

The entire class looked at each other before looking back at the teacher.

 **"Nope,"** the class says in unison.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next story:** **Final Fantasy VIII:** **The Heroes Watch Dora The Explorer…Sorta,** **as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	6. Final Fantasy VIII: Heroes Watch Dora

**Final Fantasy VIII: THe Heroes Watch Dora The Explorer…Sorta**

* * *

It was Friday night, and it was Seifer's turn to rent a flick for Balamb's weekly Movie Club. Everyone was there: Zell, Irvine, Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie, Headmaster Cid, Edea, Dr. Kadowaki, Raijin, Fujin, and of course, Squall. There was a large screen TV, and everyone sat around it in either chairs or on Squalls bed within his dorm room.

" **I still don't see why you have to use my room to watch these dumb movies every week,"** says an unhappy Squall, crossing his arms.

" **C'mon, cheer up buddy! Everyone knows you have the largest room and the coziest furniture,"** Zell replies, bouncing up and down on Squall's bed like a little kid.

" **Whatever,"** Squall says, as he gave Zell a light shove, strong enough for Zell to lose his balance and fall off the bed with a crash. Squall smirks after seeing that.

" **Now behave you two,"** Dr. Kadowaki commented. **"I don't treat anyone who gets injured after hours."**

" **That's right Zell. So why don't you come sit over here with me? I'll make sure you sit** ** _real_** **still,"** Quistis says, cracking her whip while motioning seductively for Zell to come closer. Zell immediately straightened up and sat still, afraid of what Quistis might do to him.

" **Seifer's sure taking a long time to get a movie, ya know?"** Raijin replies.

" **LATE,"** Fujin added.

" **Well, I hope the movie he gets is better than last weeks' disaster,"** Rinoa says, rolling her eyes.

" **Yes, anything but that gay cowboy flick Irvine brought in last time,"** Headmaster Cid says in an obscure tone, shooting a glare at Irvine, who was busy cuddling with Selphie.

" **I still can't get those horrifying images out of my mind, ya know"** Raijin says, cringing at the thought.

Just then, the doors burst wide open.

" **I'm back!"** Seifer says with a sly grin as he walked into the room.

" **Well it's about time!"** Dr. Kadowaki replies.

" **So whatcha get?"** Selphie says cheerfully, jumping to her feet.

Seifer coolly walked over toward the TV and popped in the DVD. **"It's some movie called 'Dora The Explorer', but the last part of the movie title is scratched off. The guy at the rental palace says this movie is nothing anyone has seen,"** he explains, as he shoved Squall off his own bed and stretched out on it. Squall muttered something under his breath and went to sit next to Rinoa.

" **I bet it's not as 'manly' as the last film I brought, no pun intended,"** Irvine says, tipping his hat.

" **Shh, it's starting!"** Edea says, as the movie started playing.

Across the screen flashed: **"Dora The Explorer In Da Hood: Directors Cut"**

"… **In Da Hood?"** Headmaster Cid comments, already skeptical of the film.

As it began, the setting showed a run-down sector of the Bronx. A little Hispanic girl wearing a leather jacket at sunglasses and a blue monkey who was smoking pot walked onto the scene.

 ** _"Yo yo, bitches, the name's Dora the Hooker. Yeah, I says Dora the Hooker. Those fuckers at Children TV HQ originally gave me the title 'Explorer', so the next day I blew up their office with a rocket launcher. Oh, and this is my stupid, pot-smoking pet, Butts, as in cigarette butts."_**

 ** _"Wuzzup,"_** _the monkey says, blowing off a puff of smoke from his cigarette._

 ** _"Can you say 'stoned'?"_** _Dora asks the audience._

" **The hell?"** Squall says, raising an eyebrow.

 ** _"Now, let's get to business. Today we are going pull of a heist at the city bank. To get there, we need to get through Crime Alley, travel past the Meth-Lab, and walk through a gang-lord's Hideout," Dora explains._**

" **Oh my…"** Dr. Kadowaki comments with shock.

 ** _"What are we gonna take with us?"_** _Butts the monkey asks, smoking his 1,306th cigarette._

 ** _"Well, bitch, we're gonna bring along our Backpack. Backpack! Get your ass out here, now!"_** _Dora shouts, as a blue backpack drove up to them in a shiny new Escalade._

 ** _"I'm here you damn bitch so shut the fuck up!"_** _the disgruntled backpack shouts at her._ ** _"To take with you on your trip, I've got 500 kilos of crack, a dozen uzi's, and some fake I.D.'s. Now fuck off!"_** _Backpack says, as he dumped the materials out on the ground and drove off._

Selphie, Rinoa, and Quistis's jaws almost became unhinged at what they were seeing.

 ** _"Now this is the shit! Can you say 'Illegal'?"_** _Dora asks the audience._

" **SCARY"** Fujin replies, turning her head the other way.

 _Later, Dora and Butts were walking through Crime Alley._

 ** _"Man, I'm gonna need a tall can of beer after this stupid-ass job,"_** Dora says, before stopping and looking around here surroundings. **_"Shit! Now we're lost. Guess we have to look at that annoying-ass map!"_**

 _Suddenly, the map came out and began rapping._

 ** _"Yo yo! I'm the Map in da house! I'm gonna show you bastards how to find yo-AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"_** _yelled the map who caught on fire after Butts tossed a lit cigarette on it._

Zell, who was chomping on a hotdog, let it slip unnoticed from his hand as he stared at the events happening on screen.

 _After the map was burnt to a crisp, the two somehow ended up in the Crime Lord's Hideout._

 ** _"Don't know how the fuck we got here, but oh well,"_** _Dora says finishing off a bottle of whiskey she stole along the way._

 _Suddenly, a fox wearing a purple ski mask appeared above them on the second floor holding a sniper rifle._

 ** _"Look up there,"_** _Butts says solemnly between puffs, pointing at the fox._

 ** _"Oh shit! It's Sniper The Fox! And that fucker has a gun! Will you help me tell off this stupid animal?"_** _she asks the audience._

" **I'd rather not…you know?"** Raijin says, disgusted at the movie already.

 ** _"Sniper no sniping! Sniper no sniping! Sniper no sniping! Sniper no sni-"_**

 ** _BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!_**

 _Sniper shot the living crap out of Butts, missing Dora entirely._

All the ladies in Squall's room gasped at the graphic scene. Edea nearly fainted from her seat.

 ** _"Oh shit! Sniper killed Butts! Son of a bitch!"_** _she yelled, pulling a grenade out of her shirt and tossing it at Sniper, blowing him up on impact._

 ** _"Aw screw this adventure. I'm going home to meet my ho, Diego. Screw you later,"_** _Dora says, walking off screen, flipping everyone off_.

 ** _THE END_**

The room was dead silent after the movie had ended. Everyone then turned simultaneously towards Seifer, who was trying his hardest to contain his laughter after he had successful suckered everyone into watching this M-Rated movie.

" **Man! You should have seen the look on your guy's faces!"** Seifer sputters between laughs, getting red in the face from the hilarity.

From that point on, Move Night was canceled indefinitely by order of Headmaster Cid, who also immediately had Seifer suspended for a month. Soon after, everyone had left the room in disgust, except Squall, Seifer and Irvine.

" **So, what did you losers think?"** Seifer says as he began leaving the room.

" **At least you got stupid Movie Night canceled,"** Squall says, smirking with satisfaction. **"Nice one."**

" **It was okay…."** Irvine says coolly, before leaving to catch up with Selphie.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Please review and check out all of our other stories!**


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